Im not one to be particularly melodramatic, but i feel that recently (aside from leaving my blog to go dusty and fall into the archives of a forgotten history) i have been feeling incomplete. I just dont feel right. I was absent from school yesterday because it caused a lot of unneccessary hassle to arrange the neccesary transport. Mum had a training day in Cheltenham and had to leave at half seven (when i usually get up). That meant i had to get up at seven and get the kids up for her, brekfast them and then walk them to the bus stop. From there i was meant to be getting a lift to sixth form with my neighbour, Natasha. I had a grand total of four lessons (one of which never really amounts to anything due to it’s placing withing the timetable) so it felt more like three lessons. I needed to be home to pick up my youngest brother and sister at half past three, so that meant missing last lesson. Wednesdays are a less educational day than all the other days on my timetable because usuall on wednesdays there are very few sixthformers with lessons. So to fill the delapidated old buildings they drag year 7 up to the Gloucester Road site for “Castle Challenge”. I dont know what they do, but it seems pretty pointless. Kind of like “Enrichment” and “General Studies” in which we study things like culture religion and politics (the most boring subject on earth. No structure, and no universities even acknowledge it as a proper qualification (not that im saying it is, but isnt it a bit pointless having to spent two hours a week on something that wont actually be recognised when we could use the time to revise for things that DO get recognised?) Anyway, so yesterday i stayed off because if i had gone to sixth form i would have had to then buy a bus ticket home, and at five pound a go i dont really thing i can actually afford it truth be told.

Today i stayed off because lately i havent been sleeping well even when utilising sleeping pills. it got better for about a week then went cruddy again so i stopped taking them. in hindsight i think im going to start taking them again though, because i do kind of need the sleep as proven this morning when i woke up and just couldnt face sixth form. I wasnt right in myself and that coupled with being behind in chemistry, exhausted from lack of sleep, and my current state of mind mixed up a lovely little recipe for disaster. regardless of how dissapproving mum was. So i spent about half an hour after mum left for work sitting in the kitchen-diner eating a bowl of cheerios with honey and milk. the honey idea came from nana, whose partner is vegetarian and always has honey on his brekfast. I then retreated upstairs and cleared off my desk. i cant remeber where i crammed everything that was on it, but i think it all went in the second drawer of my desk which i cleared out so i could go through my stationary. I need to rethink the desk though. at the moment, aside from all my chemistry books papers and bits and pieces, there is an inbox-outbox type wire frame thing, like for sorting papers out, two lamps (because the bulb broke on one of them) a 90’s CD player and a wooden mannequin holding my favourite necklaces. Oh, and my favourite recent ornament: a blue glass penguin about fifteen cm high; a birthday present from my best friend. Anyway, the Cd player, paper sorter, and two lamps are taking up an impractical amount of space, and making the desk seem cluttered. So basically i need to move them. The trouble is where to? Anyway, im drifting totally off course.

I stayed home today and spent the whole day from about 9 til now working on my chemistry. Because theres a test tomorrow. And for about an hour and a half around lunch i watched the end of an episode of Bones, two episodes of Scrubs and the end of an episode of Fresh Prince Of Bel Air (just to take a trip down memory lane). Mum got home around half two, and now im down to only fifteen more child-free moments of quiet, serene tranquility before my sister and brother return from Primary school.

I am relatively happy though, as i have made more progress with my self-help in the education category, than i had hoped to have made. And tomorrow I am going back to sixth form. Grateful for my extra two days R and R.

I feel like im going a bit mad though, because i dont feel right, but i dont know whats causing the feeling either. its almost like that kind of pain that builds up so slowly that you dont know where it originated from. Im not really sure how to deal with it, and i am a little uncomfortable with it because i dont know whether its actually physically something wrong or whether its all in my head and im just making a big thing of something that isnt that big. or in fact isnt even there. I guess im just not coping so great at the moment and i just need to relax a bit more than i am at present. Still, time will show whether im a raving lunatic or that its just a misnomer and im just misunderstanding myself. which is suprisingly possible since i have misunderstood myself on previous accounts.