so its christmas eve, and we had a steady stream of visitors popping in for a mince pie and a glass of dads homemade beer. i watched beowulf this evening and find myself a little disappointed at what i felt was an anticlimax at the end. although i give credit where credit’s due for the fact that the ending was completely unsuspected. i mean, what kind of self respecting hero hacks his own arm off then plummets to an untimely demise? anyway, i have nothing else to do, having played tug with hollygog until she demolished a coke bottle and two milk cartons. hollygog, i must explain, is what i have decided to nickname holly-the-dog our neighbour’s springer who we are dogsitting while they spend christmas in canada.

having run out of spare bottles for her to chew up i’ve left her to calm down and kutch up in her basket in the utility room for the night. the siblings however, wont go to bed. jack is running around upstairs pushing mum’s last present around. its like a shopper thing on wheels that hasnt been wrapped for i dont know what reason. i was a little suprised by the fact that dad has bought her a laptop, though, because i was under the impression that we would be on a budget christmas (and from the looks of the tree, you would think so too. it has fewer branches than the local bank (pardon my bad bad baaaaad attempt at a pun)) so yeah, i was a bit confused, although that might explain why my christmas is going to comply of three teeshirts a cardigan and a pair of shoes. budget christmases suck, and though i admit im a little narked at the size of my christmas allowance in comparison to mums. its probably human nature, but to be honest i do feel a bit bad for being disappointed in the fact that i know exactly what im getting this year.  i mean sure i know i’ll get a number of small presents, hairbands and the like, but it would be nice to get a real suprise present. im being materialistic i know, because in truth all i want for christmas if i am totally one hundred percent brutally honest with myself is for things to be okay with jason. which is probably stupid because he’s probably doing what ever he’s doing thinking he never wants to talk to me again for whatever reason and couldnt care less whether i got trampled by stampeding hedgehogs tomorrow or whatever. anyhow, i should definately stop eating this potato stick chip crisp thingies or im going to end up gaining all the weight i lost over christmas. tap again soon, im sure

having just scanned through all the posts i’ve published, saved as drafts etc. etc. i have decided its time for a bit of an update. which includes finding a new header photos and changing the colourscheme if i can work out how. stay tuned.. oh, and i’ll be deleting waffle. :L

Thats me, by the way.  the butterfly. and why is the town crazy? reference to a band and song i have been listening to a lot recently. in fact, almost every time i plug myself into my headphones. its a song that isnt new to me, as a matter of fact, i first heard it when i was barely taller than my desk. (which is vertically challenged). Anyway, ive decided after a long period of procrastination to write a bit here. mostly because it takes more effort and time to pen by hand in my journal. although i may just print this off when im done and glue it in out of sheer sloth.. ness. ahem. boys, or guys, or lads depending on your preference, have always been in my line of sight. i cant remember not having my eye on a guy (supresses a witless pun) all throughout lower school. one guy in particular has been in the back of my mind it seems, for almost four years now. thats a long time for me. in fact, *adds up on her fingers* thats almost a fifth of my life so far. said guy was in fact, my boyfriend for four months of those years. and on and off i have been seeing him since. she says as she knocks the lit candle off her desk onto her keyboard. im such a clumsy *candle explodes in her hand* im such a clumsy arse at present. and i have melted wax all over my keyboard. such grace… i would put a hippo on lsd to shame… anyway, i have been seeing my “ex” if you will, for about three and a half/four years, i cant be bothered to work out which is closest. its been rather a confusing affair in all, because i will bump into him at random, usually in my home town, while we are both going somewhere. i will then talk to him for a few days, meet up once and then he will vanish off the face of mother earth altogether for another six months. i dislike the long intervals, and he apologises every time and says it wont happen again. now, you may think he is just messing me around, and to tell the truth i probably know deep down in some dark chasm of wisdom (if there is such a thing in my mind) i know this as well, but for some reason i cannot seem to distance myself. recently, after the latest interval, he drove past me on a street while i was waiting on my lift home, and pulled over to offer me a lift home. which i duly accepted considering how cold and horrible the weather was, and the standing fact that my dad wouldnt arrive for at least forty minutes. he dropped me home and i invited him in for coffee in return. he accepted and stayed a while. then as he left, he suggested i meet up with him the following week. in our spasmodic ritual of meet and fleet (sorry, flee didnt have the same ring)  he had never made such a suggestion before, so curiously, i accepted and we agreed i would visit him sometime in the following week. i ended up going to clifton suspension bridge with him two days later after a firework display, and then saw him the tuesday and wednesday of the following week. things went quite well, he led this time instead of me as i usually made the moves. i asked him to stay in contact which he agreed to do, then never replied to any texts or messages. since then i bumped into him at the party of a friend, where he dropped me home and agreed we should meet up when he has some time off, and told me he’d message me on facebook when he knew his spare time.that was almost a week ago. then yesterday, while at a friends house, (she lives opposite and to the right of him)he was washing his mini, and i was about to go out from my  friends house to a local cafe. i went over and talked to him after a quick referral with my friends. he was amicable enough, offering me his hand so i could see how cold it was. i asked him to ring me, and he agreed to do so, checking first that it was okay to ring past ten o’ clock as his hours are awkward. i am waiting on his phone call, but find myself wondering what to do. there are many burning questions i want to ask. well, actually, there arnt that many, but anyway, i have questions, and he has answers, but every time i go to ask him i say completely the wrong thing, or i mess up my words and he gets the wrong idea.

its almost christmas and i am so not excited. it doesnt even feel like christmas, despite the fact that the garden is covered in snow. for once. i feel pretty miserable today, i woke up late and i have managed to somehow pull something in the left side of my neck so i cant turn my head. i did however very much enjoy watching The DaVinci Code last night. very very good film, much to my suprise, as i initially thought before turning it on, that i would get about half an hour in then turn it off for being boring. much to my suprise it wasn’t. i like suprises like that. i give it five out of five for being frigging awesome. i was rather saddened when silas died though as i did find him rather cute. maybe thats because im a complete oddball but what can i say?

in other news the relatives we were meant to be having an early christmas with yesterday didn’t come because for the first time in my life it snowed so much they got stuck in london. it took them an hour to drive 8 miles. wow. im a little bit jealous of them to be honest because i can still see the grass through the snow in our garden and it hasnt snowed since sunday evening. but anyway, its all good. mostly. i have resolved to email the page and a half of coursework i have written to beddy and tell her to suck on a lemon if she doesnt like it. well, not the last bit, but i will be sending a covering note explaining that i will be working on it more over the holiday and will supply another copy in january.

january… for me this coming january means.. exams, coursework, school, and turning 18. which i actually dont want to happen. i dont want to be an adult. in fact im completely terrified of the idea. it opens a lot more doors for me, but it closes a lot too. for the first time i wont be able to argue that im still a child with my dad. i dont know, im looking foreward to it but at the same time i dont want it to happen. just like january signifies the last time i choose to talk to jason, as i will be going to his house and calling on him to retrieve my cds. out with the old in with the new and hopefully this time new year will bring me a decent guy who isnt a complete JERK.

… well, maybe my hopes are too high, but i dont know what else to say so i shall go find a wheatbag and settle down to another film or something in my room.

urgh. its sunday and i have finally finished what feels like a marathon of work. wednesday, friday, saturday and today. i am rather pleased with myself for managing to juggle that and school and still have time to walk the dog. ahhh… anyway. work was a bit of a jumbled affair today for me. i got up at six to walk holly the springer spaniel (we are dog-sitting for out next-doors over christmas). i walked her by quarter to seven, and came inside to get ready for work. when i left the house it was half seven and i was freezing cold again within seconds. by the time i got in to work everything below my waist was actually numb to any sensation whatsoever. half the prep for the breakfast shift wasnt done so i finished off with a little help from emily when she arrived. breakfast itself was quite good, although when setting up for sunday lunch i was totally on a different wavelength to everyone else and walked around like a zombified icepop. which was particularly bad when james made his presence known to me in the stills room because he snuck up on me (yet again) and scared me half to death.  sunday lunch was an organised chaos, when setting up the breakfasts helen, emily and i missed out the starter cutlery, so we had to put that down while we were serving the first group of people and then at the end of the blur i ended up staying an extra hour, talking to my parents friends and getting a lift home off lexy babes in his parents four by four. i left in a bit of a rush and im left with the feeling of having forgotten something although i know i clocked out and had done as much as possible to help the other girls. i should have probably spent a little longer saying goodbye to everyone though because i just kind of whipped in and out of stills and in and out of the kitchen with a few cries of happy christmas when i would have preferred to have run round hugging people and wishing them an individual happy christmas. i feel like scrooge now. fail. still, even better im going to probably end up ringing in tomorrow because i never actually found out whether there was work for next week. double fail. to put the icing on the cake i came home to the usual argument, this time about who does what decoration for the christmas tree which has FINALLY been bought. although i do not feel AT ALL christmassy. urghh. oh and if thats not bad enough i then got an earful within five minutes of stepping over the threshold about school work and coursework and now i really really REALLY want to go back to work because at least there being an airhead i only got yelled at for forgetting little things. i wonder if anyone out there would like to do a life swap for the next six months and sit my a levels for me? i could really use a hug right now though which is balls because there IS no one in other news, i need to branch out my pool of friends. i really do because i spend all my time talking to the same bunch of girls or guys, and its getting a bit boring. i’d like to socialize with some of my work colleagues after i turn 18, but i feel like i probably wouldnt be welcome. at least not by most of them. bummer. anyway, time for a well earned bath and a stint on the playstation because i am sooooo cool. bye for now folks! x